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Why
the USS
Des Moines is a done deal
A satirical look at the De
Moines controversy
by John-David Morgan
While outgoing Health and Human Secretary Thompson was dreaming last week of building hospitals in the Middle East and Central Asia with the $8 billion wasted on the Comanche helicopter,
Milwaukeeans were mulling military hardware of the floating kind. The USS Des Moines, a battleship that never saw a battle and is sitting in a ship's graveyard in Philadelphia, could be headed for our lakefront -- if a veteran's group can raise the funds to move the ship and get the County Board to agree that a U.S. Naval museum would be a major tourist attraction.
The proposed site is Veteran's Park, which would dock the USS Des Moines in the vicinity of the visual splendor of the holy Calatrava, the current War Memorial Museum and the infamous di Suvero sculpture. Many Preserve Our Parks advocates don't like the idea of a battleship despoiling the lakefront vista. And not too many other people think it's such a grand idea either, especially because the city's image makers are busy selling the north Chicago 'burbs on the idea that the new Milwaukee will be as cool as River North, as hip as Wicker Park. Battleships, it seems, are not cool.
Still, veterans groups insist that a USS Des Moines naval museum would attract 150,000 visitors per year and generate an annual $900,000 by 2008 -- if the museum could be harbored downtown off of Veteran's Park.
While the activist interests on both sides gear up for the County Board hearings that will soon decide the Milwaukee fate of the battleship, here's some fodder to explain why the USS Des Moines will find its resting home somewhere on the Milwaukee lakefront. It's virtually a done deal.
1) The USS Des Moines has nothing to do with Milwaukee, a near guarantee that the ship is headed for our shores. The Calatrava has nothing to do with Milwaukee or Lake Michigan, never home to the oceanic flying swordfish. Those downtown public art nuisances, the Beasties, had nothing to do with Milwaukee or Wisconsin, except for the minor mention that at some point in local lore, a few were sold as lawn and hallway ornaments on the North Shore. Blue Whales have nothing to do with Milwaukee, yet we have those painted on the county courthouse annex overpass. The Milwaukee Brewers have little or nothing to do with Milwaukee (none of the players live here) beyond the team's name, yet the state taxed the citizenry to finance the Brewers new stadium.
A case in point: Artist Dennis Oppenheim's "Blue Shirt" had at least something thing to do with the city's blue collar heritage but was cancelled mid-project. If anyone finds a strong connection between Milwaukee and the USS Des Moines, the veterans group will be out of luck.
2) Very few people outside of the veteran's group seem to want the battleship, a factor working heavily in the USS Des Moines' favor. No one wanted the di Suvero in the 1982, yet there "The Calling" is, a steel sunrise in orange, beckoning west down Wisconsin Ave. Over time, the di Suvero grew on Milwaukee and people came to accept it -- until the Calatrava came along and a new generation of art critics rose up in outcry. Yet our steel-girder sunburst still stands.
No one really wanted to pay stadium taxes either, yet, over time, Milwaukee learned to live with the extra tax. Attendance at Brewers games may be in the cellar, yet, there the tax is, every month on our phone bills. In time, Milwaukee will learn to love the battleship it hated, and Cubs fans will visit every summer. Some visitors, unsure whether or not the Calatrava is cool and wondering what those fish wings on the city logo are (designers unveiled the new Milwaukee brand last week), might even wander over to the battleship to see what's inside. Battleships, like Cubs fans, are uncool -- but it's sometimes good social science to know what makes 'em tick.
By the way, does anyone know whether the USS Swordfish, a prototype nuclear attack submarine, needs a home?
3) The funds for the Des Moines (the veterans' group hopes to raise $18 million) would be more responsibly spent on other ongoing veterans' initiatives, such as the badly needed restoration of the Historic Old Soldier's Home. Some Preserve Our Parks advocates have actually suggested this, but don't think for a minute that finer points like these will stop the De Moines.
Arguments about supporting education, child care and families did not allow dollar one to be reallocated from the criminally lavish welfare bash being thrown at OIC. Instead, state W-2 administrators turned a blind eye even as low-income moms were routinely denied services at OIC and other profiteering W-2 agencies, all under the rubric of welfare "reform."
This is a state in which big, costly freeway maintenance projects proceed unabated while Milwaukee County cuts mass transit services and raises bus fares. Light rail has become a dirty word, although I'm told it is sometimes whispered in the hallways of city hall.
You say that schools-for-profit have had a very poor track record of success in other cities, and that we should focus Milwaukee education resources on programs that have had proven success? In Milwaukee, we fire MPS superintendents (Alan Brown) for saying things like that. Besides, Johnson Controls needs those for-profit educators here.
Preserve Our Parks and the quality of life that we enjoy here with the county park system? Welcome to the 21st Century, guv! In Milwaukee County, aspiring governor Scott Walker fires parks administrators who say things like that.
The Old Historic Soldiers Home needs our attention? The USS Des Moines Naval Museum is all but in the harbor.
4) A naval Museum would be most successful if it were near downtown, where it would more easily become a destination point and a tourist attraction. Uh-oh. Here's where the USS Des Moines supporters may have to begin searching for another lakefront location. Remember the Brewers' stadium? While Brewers fans and downtown businesses looked to Cleveland's downtown Jacob's Field with envy, the Brewers refused to build the stadium anywhere but in the middle of that cement parking lot of theirs in the middle of post-industrial nowhere.
Brewers management said their fan ban considered downtown to be too dangerous and inconvenient, and there was nowhere to park, Brewers' management said. They were only half right: Downtown is filled during baseball season with dangerous and inconvenient Cubs fans, but they seem to have found plenty of places to park. Of course, a Naval Museum would attract more visitors if it were downtown. But that's a long shot here, especially with all those Cubs fans around. Where will naval museum patrons park their cars? Bayview?
5) The USS Des Moines would destroy Milwaukee's beautiful lakefront vista. Perfect! Just like a high rise condominium, it's big enough to dominate the lakescape and forever blot the skyway. Call back those logo designers! It's time for the rebranding to begin.
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